Insignificance

"The air was crisp with the hint of autumn dancing at the edges of the night. There was the promise of golden red leaves and ripe apples in the breeze that lifted his hair and blew it back from his forehead. His hand grasped my elbow, his voice a deep timber that flowed with the mood of the evening, seductive and non-threatening. But beneath the surface was the whisper of something slightly dangerous, like the slow ascent of a roller coaster before it reaches its zenith. He captured that split second when you look down into the abyss and your breath holds for a moment before escaping in a long thrill filled scream. Orgasmic and death like. La petit morte the French call it. I read that in a dreadful sixties romance novel my mother kept hidden on a shelf in the closet.
I remember only snippets of our conversation, scenes set in tableau that seemed to hang forever in my memory like old sepia toned photographs in a yard sale photo album. I was detached and involved simultaneously. Drawn to the flame of his strangeness; unfamiliar territory I really did not want to investigate but knew I would. Like an explorer on a journey to a land I both feared and was tempted by.
The evening dragged as it sped by. I remember leaving the play early though I did not want to. I remember the long walk I did not want to take. I couldn’t refuse although there was no pressure on his part to follow down that yellow brick road.
And in the end I suppose it was my own indifference that trapped me. I had never chosen the road yet I traveled it with an urgency that left me breathless."

Remembering the Tears

I will leave behind all of my clothes
I wore when I was with you
All I need's my railroad boots
And my leather jacket
As I say goodbye to Ruby's arms
Although my heart is breaking

I will steal away out through your blinds
Soon you will be waking
The morning light has washed your face
And everything is turning blue now

Hold on to your pillow case
There's nothing I can do now
As I say goodbye to Ruby's arms
You'll find another soldier
And I swear to God by Christmas time
There'll be someone new to hold you

The only thing I'm taking is
The scarf off of your clothesline
I'll hurry past your chest of drawers
And your broken wind chimes
As I say goodbye
I say goodbye
Say goodbye
To Ruby's arms

I'll feel my way down the darkened hall
And out into the morning
The hobos at the freightyards
Have kept their fires burning
And I said Jesus Christ
This goddamn rain
Will someone put me on a train
I'll never kiss your lips again
Or break your heart

As I say goodbye
I say goodbye
Say goodbye
To Ruby's arms


And it still makes me cry... "I watch you fade down the hall, your face in shadow, my heart in my hand..."
Is it 19 years since Insignificance? Clear as bell I smell the autumn city air, the crispness of late September, the noisy streets, the touch of your hand and the moment passed. Those bright fall mornings when winter whispered around the corner and I never knew the beginning and end were entwined like lovers in an eternal embrace.
Now when I am at my happiest and peace is finally resting on my breast like a fulfilled child I am drawn to those memories, an unwilling captive of my own past.
I want to apologize for the angry words, the lost time you were so concerned with ... but you are lost like time now and the words hang in the air, a bitter reminder of opportunities missed.

Where Are You Now?

Diamonds and Rust

(lyrics by Joan Baez)

Well I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall
As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust
Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed
Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there
Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid



And I see you in his eyes and remember...

Eating the Worm

Going through life never taking chances is not really living at all. Sometimes you can't just drink the tequila, sometimes you have to eat the worm. Sometimes you have to live a little dangerously and take a big old bite out of your dreams, taste the sweet and the bitter.
Sometimes you just have to do it. It would be awful to look back when you are old and think "I should have..."

Happy Birthday Josh

Josh and Emily

Behind Blue Eyes
The Who

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fatedTo telling only lies
But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free
No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you
No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through
But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like

To be the bad manT

o be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

The Cat Lady

When I was little I was always bringing home stray kittens. I couldn't pass one by without picking it up and sneaking it into my house. I was a "latch key kid" before the term even existed. So it was pretty easy to get the little rascals into the house, pretty hard to hide them, and really tough to feed them and supply adequate toileting opportunities. Back in those days cats came and went through open windows, exploring the neighborhood and having cat adventures, returning at meal times or if the weather was unpleasant. Even in a big city like NY it was common for cat owners to permit their felines this freedom. After all they were cats, and where did the expression catting around originate??
One fine summer morning I was laying around, book in one hand and cat (Whiskers) tucked comfortably against my body when a soft knock came at my front door. My mother was in the midst of mopping the kitchen floor and asked me to answer.
I opened the door to find an elegant if elderly woman on our doorstep. She was dressed in what would have been fashionable in the 1930's which was cool with me. If it was unusual I liked it even back then.
"Good afternoon. I'm Betty Wright." With that she extended her hand to shake mine.
Now I was decked out in my finest worn shorts and tee shirt, hair unbrushed and looking what could be called rough.
She lived across the street and had a couple of cats of her own. Well apparently Whiskers was an amorous fellow who liked to sit on her window sill and bang against her screen in an effort to pay special attention to her lady kitty. She wasn't angry, she wasn't complaining, she was concerned about Whiskers. Miss Wright belonged to an organization called Friends of Animals which would spay and neuter animals at no cost to owners. Now back in the day that wasn't the big deal it has since become (and rightfully so!) My mother sensing this would be the neighborly thing to do agreed to allow Miss Wright to take Whiskers and put an end to his carousing. A few days later she packed him into her cat carrier (a novelty I had seen in the movies but never in real life) and took him off to be "fixed". She returned him the next day, seemingly none the worse for his experience. (I was young enough not to appreciate the indignity of what he went through.)
I became friends with Miss Wright (the neighborhood "Cat Lady"). I would visit her often, and spent hours sitting with her kitties on my lap, sipping tea from cups with saucers, eating dainty little cookies, looking through old photo albums, and listening to music. Miss Wright had been a stage performer (singer and actress) in her youth. There was still evidence of her former beauty and in fact for a woman easily in her 70's she was remarkable looking. We would sing together, old songs, not the rock and roll I listened to with my friends. She encouraged me to sing, to express myself, to listen to music and read books.
As with all teens I grew away from our visits. I spent more time with friends my own age. I would see Miss Wright and she would always inquire after Whiskers and my mother (in that order) but at some point in time I stopped seeing her with her hat cocked at a jaunty angle as she pulled her shopping cart home. Back then I didn't exactly notice. What happened to her? What happened to the cats she loved so much? I am so ashamed I didn't pay attention.
Whiskers continued his moonlight wanderings and one day he just didn't come home. He was pretty old, about 10 I guess. Not bad for an alley cat. But thinking about him now I feel like crying. How sad I didn't learn to be responsible when I was younger.

Long Ago

Many years ago when I was in college in Brooklyn I was hurrying for the subway one cold winter afternoon. My mind was already working on the paper I had due. A young woman with a very small little girl at her side stepped up to me and asked softly if I could spare some change. I stopped an looked at her face, a face filled with questions, fears, what??? I had four kids at home, one just an infant. Was this a scam? I asked if she needed carfare and she said no they were hungry. She only wanted enough to buy something for her daughter from one of the near by fast food restaurants. Unthinking I said, "Come on." I took them to Arby's and told her to order whatever she wanted. She ordered only for the child and although I insisted, would not get anything for herself. We sat and talked and she told me she had left an abusive situation and was currently living in a shelter. They had to get out for part of the day so she and her daughter who was a little over 2 would just walk around. As I left them I pressed a ten into her hand, my lunch money for the rest of the week. What happened to them? I still wonder if they found a place. The girl would be in her 20's now. Is she happy? Are she and her mom still together? Did she go to school? Does she still like chocolate shakes and apple pie?

Just 18

What a couple of months! My baby will turn 18 on Saturday. Just writing it brings a lump to my throat. Time flys by on wings of light. I remember sitting at the window with him one early spring morning when the sky was a crisp blue and the clouds were like fat white teddy bears. I whispered in his ear, "This is a moment. Hold onto it in your mind forever." I remember when he started kindergarten and he was so sad to levae me all day. I breathed into his tiny fist and said, "I am here with you. Just open your hand and I fly out to say hello." I remember laying in bed as he learned to read, night after night Dr. Seuss slept beneath my pillow where he would be stuck before I moved the sleeping child to his own bed.
I think today I will look at the clouds, take a deep breath and tuck Go Dog Go under my pillow.

Roach and Neo Caught in the Act

They said it isn't what it appears. But here is the evidence! And to think he is her grandfather!